I Totally Need To Just Take It Easy, Man.

My mom and I were talking sometime before her surgery, and she mentioned something that involved praying or prayer in the conversation.  She then remembered, oh yeah, I don't believe in that stuff anymore. This usually triggers a conversation about religion.  What happened next was brief, but extremely enlightening. 

I remember expressing that I felt pity for her because she wasn't able to think outside the box.  In other words, I perceived her way of thinking as closed.  The parameters are set; they do not change.  She gave me the same confused look I was about to give her when she expressed her pity for me for not being able to find any sort of peace.  She was referring to never finding answers, continuously finding contradictions within the parameters she and others have set, and always on a quest for truth.  A light turned on right above my head, just like in the cartoons.  I said nothing further on the subject and we moved on.

A revelation came shortly after showing confusion myself, and thinking about why she was also taken aback.  We both find peace and contentment in completely different places. What makes it difficult to accept for the both of us is that these places seem like hell holes for the other.  

The reason I have been militant and angry with this subject, is that I once thought inside the box. I know, because I've lived it, that it is possible to break down the barriers of that box and think freely and there is peace in it. So, because I changed, I think other people will change too. 

Truth is, however, I need to lighten the fuck up.  Hopefully, you have been witnessing those efforts for a while now.  

Embracing my Introversion

It was well before I ran across the Huffington Post article 23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert that I recognized the fact and embraced it. Of course I have weaknesses and deficiencies; everyone does. However, I labeled some of my behaviors and idiosyncrasies incorrectly as such. It took a while for me to recognize that this is just the way I do things, and that there isn't anything wrong with that. I began to embrace my introversion.  

Remember when texting took off? Were you someone who hated it? Maybe you still hate it.  I remember not getting it at first, and then slowly understanding its charm. Now I can hardly do anything else and I don't care. Introverts are better communicators through writing. We like writing. I like it so much I have a blog. 

My wife lives in another state. People often wonder how I'm coping with that. Even though I'm living alone most the week, there is never a dull moment. I am NEVER bored. There is a continuous monologue going on in my head. So much so, that I can't listen to audio books. Unlike reading the book for real, you can't just skim backwards or flip back a page to the point where your inner dialogue took off. Where was I? Oh yeah, my wife in another state. Sorry, I got distracted. 

Yes, so I miss my wife. We talk almost every day to catch up on the day's activities. If you have a domestic partner who comes home every night, imagine if you had to set 20-40 minutes aside and engage in conversation with each other, devoting your attention to them for that entire time. Hmmm.

Yeah, we're missing the physical presence, but I bet we're engaging in conversation with each other more than most of you. Weird how that works. So, if you're wondering, we're doing fine.  

My biggest challenge I've been working on lately is finding comfort in long silences and squashing the ingrained idea that they are awkward. Sure, they may be awkward for other people, but they don't have to be for you. I'm slowly getting more and more comfortable in the company of others by realizing that I don't have to talk. They'll do all the talking if I let them wallow in their own discomfort of quiet. If they're like me, we'll be fine with a quiet moment. I'm not all the way there yet, but it is coming. And it is glorious.